Chocolate…. I mean Easter time

Let me start off by saying that for the past two weeks, I have been working out solely to try and eliminate the copious amount of chocolate eggs that I accidentally ate. Repeatedly. Every day. But that’s ok right, cause it’s Easter? I wish our bodies got public holidays from calories. It seems only logical and fair to me. 

Last Sunday I ran my first 5km fun run in two years. I came last. I’m not speaking metaphorically here, I mean literally the last person to cross the finish line. I was the person who signified to the volunteers that they could open up the roads behind me! How embarrassing!! When I got to the 5km mark, (it was actually a 5.3 km race), I saw my trainer running towards me with a big smile on her face. I burst into tears. Not out of joy and happiness that I finished, but out of horror. I have been training 4-5 times a week for the past month, and struggle to even WALK a 5km. Is there really no one out there slower than me?? Ok, I’m being dramatic. I’m sure that there are others out there like me but they just didn’t get up at 6:15 on a Sunday morning to do a “fun run”. What’s wrong with them! Ha! Mid run I was thinking there must be something wrong with me. That a 5km walk shouldn’t feel this hard. It shouldn’t hurt this much. It shouldn’t take this long. Then I had a thought…. I’m like a 55kg woman carrying 60kg weights for 5 kilometers. Now that’s an accomplishment! The lighter I get, the easier it will be. No matter how much I train right now, if I don’t clean up my eating and lose some weight, walking is ALWAYS going to be a struggle. Talk about one step forward and two steps back – no pun intended. 

It has taken me 3 months, exactly, to get used to waking up early to workout. At first I thought it was going to be impossible. I am NOT a morning person. But today, after going to bed after midnight and waking up early to train, I realized that I have finally created a habit! Better late than never right?! Yes, I may have my faithful trainer calling me nonstop until I step into the gym, but it still counts! I don’t have that hold in my brain anymore that tries to convince me that I won’t be able to get through the workout, let alone the day, if I have had under 7 hours sleep. I have so much more energy at night. I actually WANT to go out to see friends, and go to events, because I know that I will still feel energized in the afternoon. It is such a refreshing feeling to not be exhausted at 5pm each day and feel like cooking dinner is a torture sentence. 

Next on the agenda, break sugar addiction. And it’s going to be mighty tough with all those shiny and colorful Easter eggs gracing most of the grocery store shelves! 

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Secret Time!

I started reading a new book last week, after it being highly recommended to me by my personal trainer. It is widely known for its ability to transform lives through the concept of positive thinking. You may have guessed already, but the book is called The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. In a nutshell, the secret works through the law of attraction. If you think positive thoughts, you reap positive consequences . On the flip side, thinking negatively brings about negative consequences. The world has different frequencies. If you constantly think positively, believe in good things happening, it is said that these things WILL come about. If you think about it, just common sense, it is hard to be in a bad mood if you are listening to upbeat music, or thinking about one of the best moments in your life, or laughing!

Since being big, I am so quick to cast negative thoughts about myself. In my mind, if I don’t say them out loud, someone else will say it behind my back. That is why I joke so much about my weight. I didn’t realize how negative I was being about myself. Why am I putting myself down so much over my weight when there is so much more to me. Does any of that other stuff matter? Or are we defined by our size? Unfortunately, in some situations I think we are defined by our size. That is just the world we live in. I mean, even I judge people who are bigger than me. Yet I’m asking people not to judge me. Very hypocritical. But then, I’m not judging them am I? I’m just judging their appearance at that point in time. So therefore, to think about it in this way helps me to not get so down on myself when I can see myself being talked about or looked at funnily. I need to remember that yes, it’s wrong, but they aren’t dismissing me as a person. Just my weight, which I already know about!
In saying this, of course I want to remedy this situation for more reasons that one. 
My training has been going really well! I am down 2.2 kg in 2 weeks and have been training 3-4 times a week (in the mornings!!!!). I know, I can’t believe I’m exercising in the morning either. I wake up in a daze, fall over each of my cats a few times each as my eyes are closed, and finally open them to drive to my gym. I’m fine once I get there, it’s just actually waking up is the hard part. However, it’s so good to be able to get off work and know I can drive home without having to worry about working out – cause it’s done!
I’ve also joined back at weight watchers. Just online. But gosh does it feel right. It has been the only program I’ve ever been successful on. I think the point system is so clever. It just really simplifies the whole calorie counting concept. I’m still definitely struggling with the emotional side of eating though. I’ve had a couple people recommend to me to join overeaters anonymous. Ummmm?!?! Yeah, it’s a thing! A thing that I laughed off initially, but now am thinking it might not be such a bad idea…..

New Year Time! 2017!

Wow, how the time has flown. It has been 2 months since my last blog post, so I have a lot to fill you all in on!

Firstly, happy new year!! I hope you all had a good time celebrating the holiday period and hopefully not consuming the truck load of chocolate that I fell into with my mouth open 😳. 

A lot has happened over the last couple of months. After stressing constantly about how I am going to lose even a fraction of the weight I wanted to before my wedding, I made a huge decision. After sitting down with Yehya and putting all our thoughts on the table, we decided to push back the wedding. I know what your thinking. Yes, I know the other thought too. “You’re really pushing your wedding back because you didn’t lose the weight in time?!” “You will be back at this same juncture even with the next wedding date!” And the respective answers are: yes, and I bloody hope not 😫. But I have felt such relief after making this decision. I am giving myself another chance, because I can! We have decided on October 28th of 2017. That gives me 11 months to shed my winter weight! It’s been a longgggggg winter πŸ™Š

In mid December, my relatives, Yehya and I all went on a cruise for my Aunt Edwina’s 50th. I gained 2 kilos. But seriously, how does anyone go on a cruise and either maintain or lose weight?? Exactly! They don’t! On the day of Edwina’s birthday, she exclaimed that the only birthday present she wanted was for me to go on the flow rider. The flow rider is a man made wave machine on the cruise, that you jump into with a body board and see if you can get up on your knees. So of course I accepted the challenge, got my speedo on (the girls needed to stay in tact for this expedition), and headed up to the flow rider. The whole group we were cruising with came to watch me flop around on this stupid invention, iPhone cameras and GoPros set to record. I am all up for a good laugh at myself, but I was determined to show them what I was made of (no, I’m not talking about the 50% body fat)! And did I show them! Not only did I get up on my knees (it helps when you’re heavy enough to secure the body board on the bottom of the slope, despite the rush of water under me going 100km/h), but I also somehow wiggled the partition over completely to where the poor 9 year old boy on the other side was forced to bow out due to no room for him to move! I provided the entertainment for the rest of the cruise from that one performance, as you can imagine. If you want a bit of a laugh, I have added the link below of the video of me on the flo rider. For your viewing pleasure! https://youtu.be/mdZNeuqBIZQ

Anyway, the cruise is now well and truly over, Christmas has passed, and we are now in the early days of January. A new year. New weightloss resolutions. I had a think about what approach I want to go with next. What works for me? What gets me to the gym? What keeps me from hitting snooze on my alarm when it’s set to go off for an early morning workout? Accountability! I needed personal training more than once a fortnight. I booked a meeting with vision personal training, after hearing so many good things about them and seeing walking proof in various friends that their methods work. It includes 2 PT sessions a week, nutrition training, nutrition sessions, group training, and anytime access to the gym. Sounds like a recipe for success. My first session was yesterday. Man I was tired throughout the day. But I did it!! I’m not a morning person, so to set my alarm at 5:50am is a real achievement for me! 

I have also been using a new product, prescribed by my endocronologist. It’s called Saxenda. It basically mimics a certain hormone that controls your hunger signals to your brain. It also works on keeping food in your stomach for longer, which delays hunger. I was a big skeptic at the start (no pun intended) but wow. I can’t believe how it actually does what it says it’s going to do! I get full much easier now, and I don’t eat half as much as I used to before I started the injections. However, it doesn’t stop my brain from cravings, because after all, cravings aren’t based on hunger. They come from your head, not your stomach. That’s my real challenge that I’m still yet to conquer. No matter what medicine I take, how full I am, or how many books I read, I still find myself reaching for the chocolate bar at least once a day! How am I going to kick this addiction once and for all?!?!

Time for a Reality Check

I apologize in advance for the Debbie downer post I’m about to publish. But it is how I feel right now, so needed to get it out of my system. 
I am going on my 5th week of being sick. I’m not just talking sick as in I have the mild sniffles. No. I’m talking sick as in I’m on my 4th lot of DIFFERENT antibiotics. All over the course of the last month. I’m 30 years old. I shouldn’t be needing copious amounts of antibiotics for a common cold. Which is what it started out with. But, because I have treated my body like a garbage can for the past several years, it won’t fight for me. I guess that’s what I get for not fighting for it. 
It started as a throat and ear infection the first week. The next week it progressed into a chest infection. This then went for 2 weeks. Which then turned into whooping cough. The amount of coughing I have done over the past month is enough to give me a banging six pack. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I had to pull out of the crossfit challenge, for obvious reasons. I had to take 3 weeks off physi, which isn’t ideal with competitions coming up in a months time. And most of all, I have had to deal with an ongoing, draining, sickness for the past month. All because I prioritized food over health. I wanted a delicious meal over putting the right bad bacteria fighting foods in my body. Now more than ever have I felt the full effects of food addiction. I was laid up in bed, coughing my head off, stuffing chocolate in my mouth like it was the last packet on earth. I know that my body wanted energy, and it views sugar as being that quick hit that will provide me with that energy (if only for 20 minutes). But I felt so much worse after it. Why?!?!?! Why do I keep doing it to myself??
I have no revelations or goals today to tell you guys. Because I am getting very deflated. I have 5 months left, to lose this weight before my wedding. This is why I am now contemplating getting weightloss surgery. This extra weight is not just unattractive, but it is having a very negative affect on my health. It needs to come off and it needs to come off now. I am obviously not going to take this decision lightly, as this is major surgery. I am meeting with my doctor this weekend to discuss the pros and cons of the surgery, and if I am in fact in the position where the surgery needs to be performed to essentially save my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is essentially the truth. I am extremely close to becoming a type 2 diabetic, something which is life threatening. To say I am terrified, is an understatement. 

Physie Time!

Annndddddd I’m back in the game!I had my first physical culture competiton in 9 years yesterday, and I did so well!! I am so proud of myself. I blacked out the whole time I was performing from anxiety, but people kept commenting to me as I came off about how well I did, almost suprised that I could actually dance well even though I wasn’t a size 8. Well I showed them! Yes, I would have rather been performing as a size 8, but you have to start back somewhere. I had forgotten what it felt like to be a part of something. A club. A fitness group. A group of people who have the same love for dancing as I do. It is so addicting to get on that dance floor, knowing that you have the choreography down and confident that you will do an OK job of it. Mum was there supporting me, filming with the GoPro for my fiancΓ© and dad who couldn’t be there (she is hopeless with technology and pretty sure she filmed a completely different girl) but the thought was there. 
Before I go on, let’s address the elephant in the room. Me. Yes, if I was skinnier I would probably have placed in the competition. I was good enough. I was better than most the other girls there. But, I’m big. And we are all humans, including the judges. Someone who is 40 kilo’s less than me is probably going to look better doing the work than I am. It’s just a fact. So when it comes down to it, the slimmer (and probably healthier) girls are always going to come out on top. There are also a few acceptable reasons why this is the case. When doing the floor drills, my stomach is in the way whenever I bend over to touch my toes, my feet can’t stay together because my thighs won’t allow that to happen, and getting up from the floor gracefully doesn’t even stand a chance (no pun intended).

In lunge group, I can’t lunge as far as the other girls, in fear of getting stuck in the position and not being able to pull myself upright again. And then there is the overall endurance of being able to physically perform to the best of my ability whilst carrying 50 extra kilo’s. It is so tough on my body, and mind. So that is the biggest thing I need to continue to work on. As this is what will get me my physie edge back. Because my mind is in it now. Well and truly committed. And you know what they say, once your mind is committed, you are set! The only other thing that needs a mention is my leotard. Ohhh the dreaded leotard. Yes, as everyone commented, the blue looks beautiful on me. I just wish I didn’t look like the sky in its entirety! I know I know. I joke. But honestly, it leaves a lot to be desired. All part of the journey, however. So I will, as Dori puts it, just keep swimming, just keep swimming πŸ™‚

Catch up time!

I know I haven’t blogged in a few weeks, so I apologize for that. But today was a great day, so I thought what better a day to catch you guys up with what I have been up to!
Work life has gone on like normal. My physie classes have gone up to twice a week now, in preparation for upcoming competitions. What I’m not prepared for yet, is getting into a leotard for the competitions. It’s sort of like the reasoning behind a bikini – it looks good only on a select few, yet has to be worn. As a result of upping my physie workouts, I’ve now developed shin splints! They got to the point where my calves and ankles felt like they locked up as soon as I pointed my toes. Sometimes to the point that they burned so much I had to stop during practice. 
Fast forward to a few weeks after the shin splints arrived, I started with a new personal trainer. 

Her name is Betty. She is Hungarian. I am VERY afraid of her. What she says, goes. Literally! However, she has been such a blessing in disguise. She has been training my mind, even more than my body. Which is exactly what I need. She makes me text her my step count every night, prints off articles for me to read, gives me homework to do, insists I do a meditation app for 10 minutes a night, and FOAM ROLLING! I have never welcomed so much pain in my life! The foam roller is actually one of the best kept secrets in the fitness world. I have literally almost cured my shin splints in one week from doing the foam roller each night. However, it hurts like nothing else when you first start out! It feels like you are rolling over direct bone. Ouchy!
I also saw another endocronologist, as suggested by my doctor. After my initial consultation with her, she suggested I go on optifast. I did it. For two whole days. You don’t think that’s much? Oh it is plenty, unless I was to end up in the hospital after I went on a rampage and consumed more than a safe amount of hot dogs and chocolate bars in hunger desperation. I discovered a whole new level of “hangry” over those two days. Let’s just say, it wasn’t for me. But it did make me appreciate any food that wasn’t a shake. Even if it was plain vegetables. I just wanted to chew something!
Fast forward to today. Today, for a work team building event, my small team and I went to taronga zoo to do the wild ropes course. This is an obstacle course of ropes and planks that you have to walk through, 3 stories above the ground. Scary Huh?! Well to be honest, I wasn’t too worried. But when I got up there, the reality of it all set in. What if I’m too heavy for the harness? What if I fall and no one can pick me up? Etc etc. However, despite all the pre doubting, I more than suprised myself, and my team. I did the course AND the second course on my own! It was a lot of fun! So challenging and satisfying! Not to mention that on the way home, I got mum to drop me 2 km from home and I walked back. WHO AM I???? I don’t know, but I like it! πŸ™‚
I have such a positive mindset at the moment about this journey. Not only am I seeing a difference, but people around me are also noticing differences too. Not just in looks, but mentally Aswell. Everyone keeps commenting on how fresh and healthy I’m looking, how my eyes are so clear, how I walk to the shops at work now without getting out of breath, how energetic and happy I seem, the list goes on. All these comments just add to my motivation fuel tank. And this is just the first half of my journey. This journey has turned from daunting to exciting. Instead of constantly thinking, how am I going to lose all this weight and get healthy again, to what am I going to be able to conquer next on this journey?! What a positive, and fantastic, change my mind has taken. I’m so proud of myself for getting where I am already in this journey. And it only gets better from here! What a wonderful thought πŸ™‚

Almost competition timeΒ 

With physical culture competitions coming up, I have been really focusing on flexibility and getting the dance routines perfected. This has been a little hard, since my body has now decided to develop shin splints.
How considerate.
I do about 3 hours of physie a week now, and each time I practice, it feels like my shins, calves, and ankles are on fire. The sensation gets so intense, that I usually have to stop about three quarters into my physie routine as I can’t physically go on. I can’t tell you how frustrating this is. I’m supposed to be exercising as part of this health journey I am on. How am I meant to do that when I’m too heavy to bear weight on my legs?!?! Yeah I know – swimming. Biking. I guess that’s better than couching. I also played a game of futsal last week- first time ever! I loved it! I only played for 12 minutes and it took another 2 hours after I finished to finally return to my normal skin colour, but it was so much fun. And bloody hard work. I am sure this didn’t help my shin situation either.

This always happens.

Last time it was plantar fasciitis. This time shin splints. How come all the contestants on the biggest loser are able to work out for hours on end without any physical limitations? I’m sure they encounter some issues along the way, but conveniently cut that out so that all the people at home continue to feel like total failures when we try to get those same results. I always get such high expectations when I start a diet. I start with all these visions of myself down the diet track. 40 kilos down. Running down the beach in a bikini. Being able to touch my toes without having to move my stomach out of the way. Oh so many visions. Yet that beach is a very distant vision, which is starting to look like more of a mirage at this point in time. Let’s hope not though, as there is still time to make this dream a reality!